Change

I am not who I was.

In high school, I was the shy, quiet kid who was only not afraid to act crazy if she was completely comfortable. I couldn’t speak in groups for fear of being  judged and for not being good enough. I wore black because I was rarely truly happy. I didn’t know a life of inner confidence. I berated myself for everything, never allowing myself to be good enough for many reasons that are no longer relevant. I felt like the odd one out at church, never feeling like I belonged in the place where I should have been able to find and feel the most love. By God’s grace I had people to get me through the pain (you all know who you are).

But now…I have been made new. I’m not afraid to talk to strangers. I can talk in groups because I feel confident in my words. They are worth being known, something I had never believed before. I am ever the introvert, but at least now I can talk comfortably with people. God has placed me in the exact place with the exact people who He had planned from the beginning of time! I have to work through the seemingly never-ending repercussions of past hurts, but taken one day at a time I know the LORD is on my side…and I know it is beautiful.

The new me likes to wear bright colors, because if people notice me, maybe they will let me touch their life in some way. Instead of being like in the past, when I was noticed by people and was terrified because I felt I had nothing worth anything to offer. Now I actually find myself enjoying conversations as opposed to fearing them. I’m not afraid for people to see who I really am because I like that person now, and I believe in that person now.

So those of you that knew me in high school but haven’t heard much of or from me since them…be ready for something new, something better, because I am not the same person. I am marked by Jesus, make no mistake about it. I am His forever and will seek Him and His will all the days of my life.

Breaking and Re-Breaking

That’s the processing of growing. We learn by being broken over and over again. Sure, we learn in other ways, but I feel that this is the most powerful way in which we learn. God has been breaking and re-breaking me since I got to college, and long before that, but most recently at college.

When I got to college, I was scared. I wanted to make good friends, and the right friends, but after being hurt so much in high school, I was simply expecting another round of blows. But God blessed me like crazy. He gave me an amazing hall, so many girl friends that I can trust and love to hang out with. He gave me a best friend, with whom I can share literally anything and everything, and she will love me anyway. He gave me, through a random morning at the dining hall the third day I’d lived in Athens, the best guy friend I could have imagined I would get. They love me unconditionally, and I didn’t even really know what that meant coming from friends until college.

One way God breaks me is by giving me trials to go through with these friends. He shows me more and more through that that I can trust Him, and because I can trust Him, I can trust my friends unconditionally because He made it SO obvious that they are supposed to be in my life for a very, very long time.

With my friends, I may fight, I may feel unworthy, but every time, they show me their unconditional love, and take me right back. In fact, they never let go in the first place. God is showing me His love through these people. He is so incredible that way, and every other way, but most specifically this.

He knows that for me to grow He must show me my weaknesses, then give me people to work through them with, to talk them out with. So this year, especially this semester, I have been broken and re-broken.

Last semester I was growing and learning to understand that there are in fact people that won’t leave me in this world (besides family, obviously 😉 ). This semester is the process of understanding that and allowing them to stay without pushing them away as I’ve been taught over time I have to do with people. I can actually keep these friends as close and as dear to my heart as I am to theirs. I can learn to love as unconditionally as they love me. It’s gonna hurt, but it’s gonna be such a fun process.

I’m smiling even as I write this, knowing that God has such good plans for me. He knit me together in the womb! He cares for every detail of me. And even when I don’t believe if for myself, I know have friends and mentors that will prove it to me with their ability for unconditional love that He has placed in them. I’m so excited. And I don’t get excited for much (except going to shows), as most of you well know. So this is good.